Friday, May 6, 2011
Trade Nations
Are anyone's trading needs not being fulfilled? My name is MattMan81 and I'm here for you. Are you going to bed at night with thoughts of uncut lumber and/or uncut rocks weighing heavily on your mind? Do you need someone to hold you at night and tell you that your wool is being woven into cloth? Well, if that's you...I'm your man. Add me.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tattoos
This is supposed to be read as a satire. Do not take it seriously.
I know that I'm not alone on this particular topic, but it seems that every player in the NBA is completely covered in tattoos. I haven't been paying much attention to the NBA since the Supersonics inhaled their last breath in the Pacific Northwest, but it would appear as if tattoos have become a prerequisite for being in the NBA. Maybe it's just more noticeable on them because more of their skin is exposed compared to other sports. Oh well.
I have come close to getting a tattoo a few times. However, they tend to only be brief moments of consideration and they fade away like the desire to flip dementia patients "the bird". Getting a tattoo wouldn't kill me and I'd probably grow to like it and consider getting more in the future. And that's part of the problem right there. I have an addictive personality. Ask anyone in my family. This would also explain why I drink in moderation and you'll rarely see me drink wine-coolers two days in a row.
I know that if I were to get that "Thug Life" tattoo on my abdomen that I would get hooked on getting "ink done" and feel the urge to get a Mike Tyson facial tattoo, a Charles Manson swastika on my forehead, and a tramp stamp. Sure, I laugh now, but who's to say that I won't get the urge to get that ONE tattoo that most of us think is silly?
Another reason why you'll never see me get a tattoo is because my opinions change more often than a politician from Massachusetts' political position changes. One minute I'm donating money to PETA and the next minute I'm up in Canada clubbing baby seals.
This change usually comes after reading something new that sheds light on a particular point that I may have missed unknowingly or because of the fact that I just didn't feel like challenging myself at that particular time (like the kind of women that I meet in bars/clubs). It's true, sometimes ignorance IS bliss. I can't tell you how happy my life has become now that I have officially stopped wearing condoms when having sex with women. Sure, I may have 12 or 13 pending paternity cases and I have received multiple prescriptions for penicillin, but I like living my life on the edge and just "going with it".
I hope that most of us can agree that a tramp stamp on anyone older than 30 just looks wrong. Each time I see a tramp stamp on a mother tending to her injured child I always think, "Could that kid be mine?"
Another concern that I have is the documentation that the police and FBI have for criminals with tattoos. What if I wake up tomorrow and decide to rob a bank or blow up a courthouse? Do I want my tattoos singling me out or convincing a jury to find me guilty? Not particularly. You can put a hit out on a key eyewitness...you can't do that to a tattoo.
If that's not bad enough, I'm reaching the age where some of my friends are regretting their decision to get certain tattoos. Wait...you mean to tell me that the "Nickelback" tattoo on your left shoulder is directly responsible for random people punching you in the face at bars and world peace rallies? For shame.
I have found myself watching laser tattoo removal videos on YouTube and the person getting their tattoo removed doesn't appear to be enjoying the moment. Besides hitting them in the wallet, it also burns your skin and you have to go in for multiple treatments. I just want to ask these people, " See?! Now, do you regret getting your exes name tattooed on your arm"? It looks like it really hurts, too. The patient is always grimacing in pain and biting down on their bottom-lip like Bernie Madoff biting his pillow his first night in prison.
The point that I'm trying to get across is this: tattoos are permanent. Some people can live with that and I definitely respect that. There is a market for it and a lot of people are employed because of other people's decision to get ink done. I would only consider getting a tattoo if the ink would disappear after a certain length of time...like a "rental". For example: if I got a tattoo of my favorite band and they began releasing Linkin Park-like albums...I'd like to have that tattoo disappear after a few years. I don't know how long I could live with a "Sugar Ray" tattoo after all of the shenanigans that Mark McGrath has put die-hard Sugar Ray fans, like myself, through.
If you have tattoos and you love them, that's awesome and I'm happy for you. However, they're just not for me. They're not for me the same way that bathing on a normal schedule or dating women with high IQs is not for me. I like to see how long I can go before I start attracting flies and how long I can put up with her grunting noises and her Play-Doh sculptures. I tend to appall women as it is, so, please, just disregard my first point about bathing. I hope that you people enjoy your tattoos. The more people that get tattoos now, the more money I'll be making on my investments in laser-removal technologies. Cheers.
I know that I'm not alone on this particular topic, but it seems that every player in the NBA is completely covered in tattoos. I haven't been paying much attention to the NBA since the Supersonics inhaled their last breath in the Pacific Northwest, but it would appear as if tattoos have become a prerequisite for being in the NBA. Maybe it's just more noticeable on them because more of their skin is exposed compared to other sports. Oh well.
I have come close to getting a tattoo a few times. However, they tend to only be brief moments of consideration and they fade away like the desire to flip dementia patients "the bird". Getting a tattoo wouldn't kill me and I'd probably grow to like it and consider getting more in the future. And that's part of the problem right there. I have an addictive personality. Ask anyone in my family. This would also explain why I drink in moderation and you'll rarely see me drink wine-coolers two days in a row.
I know that if I were to get that "Thug Life" tattoo on my abdomen that I would get hooked on getting "ink done" and feel the urge to get a Mike Tyson facial tattoo, a Charles Manson swastika on my forehead, and a tramp stamp. Sure, I laugh now, but who's to say that I won't get the urge to get that ONE tattoo that most of us think is silly?
Another reason why you'll never see me get a tattoo is because my opinions change more often than a politician from Massachusetts' political position changes. One minute I'm donating money to PETA and the next minute I'm up in Canada clubbing baby seals.
This change usually comes after reading something new that sheds light on a particular point that I may have missed unknowingly or because of the fact that I just didn't feel like challenging myself at that particular time (like the kind of women that I meet in bars/clubs). It's true, sometimes ignorance IS bliss. I can't tell you how happy my life has become now that I have officially stopped wearing condoms when having sex with women. Sure, I may have 12 or 13 pending paternity cases and I have received multiple prescriptions for penicillin, but I like living my life on the edge and just "going with it".
I hope that most of us can agree that a tramp stamp on anyone older than 30 just looks wrong. Each time I see a tramp stamp on a mother tending to her injured child I always think, "Could that kid be mine?"
Another concern that I have is the documentation that the police and FBI have for criminals with tattoos. What if I wake up tomorrow and decide to rob a bank or blow up a courthouse? Do I want my tattoos singling me out or convincing a jury to find me guilty? Not particularly. You can put a hit out on a key eyewitness...you can't do that to a tattoo.
If that's not bad enough, I'm reaching the age where some of my friends are regretting their decision to get certain tattoos. Wait...you mean to tell me that the "Nickelback" tattoo on your left shoulder is directly responsible for random people punching you in the face at bars and world peace rallies? For shame.
I have found myself watching laser tattoo removal videos on YouTube and the person getting their tattoo removed doesn't appear to be enjoying the moment. Besides hitting them in the wallet, it also burns your skin and you have to go in for multiple treatments. I just want to ask these people, " See?! Now, do you regret getting your exes name tattooed on your arm"? It looks like it really hurts, too. The patient is always grimacing in pain and biting down on their bottom-lip like Bernie Madoff biting his pillow his first night in prison.
The point that I'm trying to get across is this: tattoos are permanent. Some people can live with that and I definitely respect that. There is a market for it and a lot of people are employed because of other people's decision to get ink done. I would only consider getting a tattoo if the ink would disappear after a certain length of time...like a "rental". For example: if I got a tattoo of my favorite band and they began releasing Linkin Park-like albums...I'd like to have that tattoo disappear after a few years. I don't know how long I could live with a "Sugar Ray" tattoo after all of the shenanigans that Mark McGrath has put die-hard Sugar Ray fans, like myself, through.
If you have tattoos and you love them, that's awesome and I'm happy for you. However, they're just not for me. They're not for me the same way that bathing on a normal schedule or dating women with high IQs is not for me. I like to see how long I can go before I start attracting flies and how long I can put up with her grunting noises and her Play-Doh sculptures. I tend to appall women as it is, so, please, just disregard my first point about bathing. I hope that you people enjoy your tattoos. The more people that get tattoos now, the more money I'll be making on my investments in laser-removal technologies. Cheers.
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