Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What Does It Mean?

Shots ring out all around me...I'm lost.
Like a lost child in a mall or a grocery store.
I scream out for help, but nobody answers.
I swore an oath and I will uphold that oath, but at what cost?
I will defend my country...I will give my life.
However, am I defending my country or am I aiding in the invasion of another?
The "enemies" around me are shooting; however, I understand why they do it.
I'd do the same thing if I were in their position.
For some, family and country are the only important things in life.
If my actions and the actions of my fellow countrymen killed their family...country is all they have to cling on to.
People in other parts of the world have different perspectives on life.
We can all learn from them, as they can from us.
Many do not have what I have or live the life that I do.
Are they wrong for being different?
Is this a "justifiable" war?
I could be at home playing catch with my father right before supper.
I could be in school right now learning how to make this world a better place.
Am I making the world a better place now?
Can the world be improved peacefully or must force be used?
I miss my family...oh, how I long to laugh with them and to eat a home cooked meal with them.
My Dad understood why I enlisted, but my Mother can't come to grips with it.
They wanted me to go to college, but I wanted to see the world.
I wanted to help other people out and to serve my country.
However, who am I serving now?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Getting Older

Getting older in life is inevitable. Some people enjoy it and some people don't. For those of us that had great childhoods, it tends to be a downer the older we get. My late teens and lower to mid-twenties were some of the best times in my life. I traveled, I had amazing friends, I met some amazing women, I stayed in great shape, and I had loads of fun at parties. However, as I have aged my friends have moved away, staying in shape has become more difficult, and the parties that I enjoy get smaller and smaller.
I've accepted getting older. We can't control it and it's on each and every one of us to make the best of it. Life is like a poker hand...you have to make the best out of the hand that you've been dealt. It's easier to accept because of its inevitability, but that doesn't mean that it's easy. I have had to deal with the biggest changes in my life alone. I still have my good friends, my family, and all of the wonderful people in my life, but I'm not around them while all of this is going on.
Currently, I work for Project Vote Smart in Philipsburg, MT. I couldn't have asked for a better job after graduating. It's in the mix, it's always changing and challenging, and everyday is like being in a political lecture. However, I feel alone out here. I have a great friend and roommate, but I just miss the comfort of being around the people that have been around me most of my life. They know me in ways that nobody else will. They know where I've come from, where I've been, and how much I have changed. I know that a lot of people have to deal with situations like this, but it hasn't necessarily been easy for me.
I enjoy being alone at times. I mean, who wouldn't want to come home from work, eat some dinner, read a book, and go to bed? I know a lot of parents out there would love to do that on a daily basis. However, too much of a great thing is never good.
While growing up it was obvious that I enjoyed being the center of attention. I was the oldest of three boys and I always enjoyed being the smartest and funniest person in a group of people. I liked the spotlight. In fact, I still do. However, the older I get, the harder it becomes to regain that spotlight.
I guess that I just miss the days when I would be surrounded by people that knew me and that understood me. I would never have to explain myself or what I did and why. They just knew. There was a sense of comfort in that. We'd play football games on Thanksgiving and on Super Bowl Sunday and we would do things that normal friends would normally do. However, along the lines, we all grew up and, sadly, grew apart.
We all graduated college, found great jobs, and went our separate ways. As much as I miss it now, I'm glad that we have those memories to think back and reflect upon. We, truly, had a great time together. As far apart as we are now, it'll be the great times that will always bring us together.
Next weekend will be one of these moments. My buddy, George, will be married to his future-wife, Tricia, next weekend. I still remember the day that he told me about their first date. He was in love. I never thought that that situation would escalate to marriage. It's amazing. Of all the people that I know, George and Tricia are happy and they're great together. I've never been happier for two amazing people in my entire life. I love them both.
Maybe it's the fact that my brother and my best friend are moving on to the next stage in their life and getting married. And I'm still here trying to figure it all out. I know that things wouldn't be like this if I were back home or living in a more populated area. Montana is great for some people, but for me, it's only good for a moment.
If I were retired, Montana would be a great place to live and spend the rest of my days. However, I like being around people...particularly people that I'm close with. None of that exists out here and every day that I spend here is another day that I spend away from the people that make me who I am.
I don't believe that people are content with being alone or living in solitude. I think that human contact is something that keeps us sane, something that we all need from time to time. Living out here has made me realize the kind of person that I am.
I'm the kind of guy that loves to go to baseball games, play with his nephew, have a Saturday afternoon coffee with a close friend, watch football at my friend's house on a Sunday morning, have a conversation with my Mom, and spend a Sunday afternoon working on cars with his Dad. That's me. I'm not the kind of guy that is content with sitting around his apartment during the weekend reading and working out. That's not me.
This trip has made me realize a lot about myself. I've learned that Montana is a great place to live, but, at least right now, it's just not for me. As much as people desire time for themselves, I desire time together with those I love. I'm not incapable of living alone; I just know what I want. And what I want, is simple: I want to be myself around those that make me who I am.