I'm Happy For You, I Truly Am

I have to admit that it hurts Sure, I smile, but behind that smile is a man...a broken man You may or may not know my wife and I's story, it's okay if you don't It's not your fault, we know that you mean well Congratulations on the birth of your son/daughter, truly Congratulations on your pregnancy announcement, truly My wife and I are happy for you, we truly are A healthy, thriving baby is all that we wish for you Despite what has happened to us, we want you to have an amazing and wonderful experience We wish that we weren't in this "club" Everyone in this "club" wishes that they weren't For every unfortunate member hides their broken self behind their smile Birth/pregnancy announcements and gender reveals are socially celebrated But in private, they re-open old wounds These wounds are a burden that we must endure forever What many take for granted, we wish you would understand how blessed you truly are You may say and feel blessed, but you have...no...idea Despite what my wife and I have been through, please do us a favor Do not withhold your own excitement and happiness for your bundle of joy Do not look at us with pity Nor do we want our experience to hang over your celebration like a cloud Celebrate your situation, immerse yourself in the happiness and the moment Do not look at us and feel bad For we are happy for you, truly we are Yes it hurts, but we'll never let you know just how much For this is something we have to live with Yet we're thankful for the 10 days that we got to have with our son Some parents would give everything for just one moment, one minute We were given 10 days 10 days to hold him, touch him, feed him, talk to him, read to him, to love him I'm thankful that he knew my voice, he kicked his legs whenever I'd talk to him So, don't look at us as though you shouldn't be happy in front of us We're happy that you're happy, we truly are This is a beautiful moment We hope to feel what you're feeling right now Yes, it still hurts, but it's not your fault Your baby is beautiful as was ours, perfect in every way We hope to see them grow through the years, just as we hoped for our son Despite what has happened, it would be unfair for us to rain on your parade For when that day comes for us, we want to experience what you're experiencing right now Because of that, we smile My wife and I are happy for you, we truly are

Active Man in his Late 30s: Learning to Live with Pain

Side Note: I'm finishing up my long blog post about our wedding day. It should be complete soon. As I type out this latest blog post, I'm experiencing pains that I never encountered before. Sure, I just ran a sub-30 minute 5k before 4:45am the day after Labor Day, but I'm in pain. There's just no way to say otherwise. The knuckle on my right middle finger has been "clicking" and feeling like something is "floating around" in the joint. My right great toe feels like a needle has been pushed through the toe starting with the tip, going all the way through the actual toe, and settling in the toe joint itself. I don't believe that it's gout as I have had that far too many times to count and I have been taking apple cider vinegar pills multiple times each day. I also have this lingering pain in my left shoulder that started when I was putting together our cots when were camping in Teanaway with my family. I felt a searing pain and it hasn't really gone away. The pain comes and goes, but all of these pains really came to a head a week after I completed my very first official marathon. By the way, that also happened. I started and finished my very first marathon a few weeks ago and the feeling of accomplishment still resonates with me. I believe that I completed it and I never really doubted myself, but, during the race, I began to truly doubt my abilities and my overall health. I was nearly defeated during that race. It included four loops of 6.55 miles each. I was struggling very hard just to complete my second lap. As I finished that, I was surrounded by people that had just finished all four of their laps and were standing around laughing, stretching, and saying how easy it was. I was sitting there, dripping with sweat, in pain, and trying to change my socks and bandaging my right heal as that was developing into a major blister. As I write this nearly three weeks later, the skin finally just came off and I fan finally run and walk without pain. As I sat there before starting my third lap, I seriously considered and almost decided to take a DNF "Did Not Finish". A DNF has a big stigma attached to it as it is something that no athlete or runner wants, but can be the biggest lesson of an athlete's or runner's career. It teaches you so much. However, as much as I wanted to quit, I just couldn't. As I started my third lap, I developed a little "light jog" on the flat areas and downhill spots and walked up the inclines. However, as I ran, my body began to breakdown. I had pains in my chest and stomach that I never had before. I saw "stars", I lost my balance, and I came to the point of crying a number of times. I didn't cry because I was in pain or that I was disappointed in myself (okay, I was a little disappointed in myself, but that wasn't the main reason), but I cried because I kept talking to my son, Kasen, and telling him that his Daddy wasn't going to quit. I would have been with him every single minute while he was in the NICU and I sure as hell would't give up on a silly little trail-run marathon. I was going to finish whether I was walking, running, or crawling past the finish line. As I came up to the aid station half-way through the third lap, I told the guy to tell the race coordinator that I wasn't going to quit and that I was going to finish the race. "Please tell him/her that they can begin to take down the race materials, but I'm going to finish. You have my word." I was finishing my third lap, Clay had come up to me and said that he was going to throw in the towel and wanted to see how I was doing. He seriously thought that I was going to quit, but I told him that I was finishing. I didn't care if I was the last one to cross that finish line (I actually was the last one...ha!), I was going to keep going. I'm not a quitter. He saw the look in my eyes and he decided to start and finish his fourth lap as well. Chrissy was waiting for me at the finish line as I completed my third lap and she saw how defeated I looked. I told her that I loved her, I appreciated her being there, and that I wasn't quitting. She said that she would wait there for me and that she loved me. I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have a woman like that on my side. Chrissy is amazing. I walked and jogged that final lap and found myself staggering a lot on the final two miles. As I crossed the line, I was ecstatic. I had completed my first marathon and I was the last one to finish. They offered me a beer (last thing on my mind), but I graciously declined. I just wanted lots of water and something to eat and sit down. I ate two vegan burritos and about 10 glasses of water. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't eat before or during a race of that length. I need to drink more water and pay attention to my body more than I did. Those are the lessons that I learned that day. I will race another marathon, but I need to continue training and getting my body right and ready. So, as I type this, I'm in pain and dreading what I will do if those aforementioned parts of my body do not heal (finger, toe, and shoulder). My knee no longer gives me issues as I believe that my vitamins and daily pills have helped a lot (Turmeric, Osteo Bi-Flex joint pill, and apple cider vinegar pills). Taking all of those and icing my knee for 20-30 minutes after each run has helped me avoid bursitis and other painful swelling incidents in my knee. If you're getting older and are somewhat active, I highly suggest learning about eating the right foods, avoiding alcohol, avoiding junk food and garbage, and drinking a lot of water and paying attention to your body. The better you learn alternatives and adapt, the better and longer you can remain active. Happy Trails!

Pre-Wedding Nerves

It's Monday and I'm entering the final week before the weekend of my wedding. Well, OUR wedding. We've both put love, money, and effort into what will be taking place next Sunday. Despite how confident I am speaking in front of people and being in front of crowds discussing a wide-array of topics, this is it. My wedding is the one thing that scares the absolute crap out of me. I'm nervous beyond words and I get an overwhelming amount of anxiety each time I think about it. This has nothing about "cold feet" or being afraid of being in a committed and life-long marriage. No. This has to do with it being one of the biggest (albeit expensive) moment of our lives and I just don't want to screw anything up. I'm nervous about so many things. I'm nervous about crying (so many emotions, good and bad), saying the wrong thing (I get weird when I talk in front of people sometimes), doing something stupid (I've never been a fan of weddings until I met Chrissy), and just not having the day be the best possible wedding for my wife. It'll also be a week full of family and friends visiting from out of town and it will be so full of emotions. We have the walk for Kasen the day before and we have a lot of friends and family participating in that. There will be an overwhelming amount of emotions surrounding that day, too. To follow that up with a wedding...my ONLY wedding...might be too much for me. I'm going to say this and I don't mean it in a negative way, but I cannot wait for this week and weekend to come and go. It's just so much pressure, emotion, and nerves, that I'm unsure of how I will react. I love Chrissy and I have no doubts in my mind that she is the only one for me, but, man, I've never been this nervous in my entire life and I still have 6 days until the start of the wedding.

Daily Struggle

For the most part, I manage to get through most days just fine. At least that's what it looks like on the outside. Most days, I'm able to mask the pain that I'm feeling on the inside and I'm able to smile, hug, laugh, and be strong for other people in order to help them through whatever it is that they're going through. In a way, you might say that I find healing and solace in using my energy to help others in need. I'm not sure if I'm stronger than other people or if I just look as though I am, but yesterday I struggled. I struggled hard. Maybe something was telling me that I needed to relieve some pressure that was steadily building up or maybe it was me telling myself that it was time to focus that energy inward and to dedicate some healing time for myself. I went to bed last night super tired (ran a 5k before work) and walked over 2 miles at work during my breaks in 85 degree weather, so, physically, I was tired. However, in order for me to get a good night's sleep, my mind must be aligned with my body and I can tell you with absolute certainty that they were not aligned. I didn't sleep well. In fact, now that I think about it, I haven't slept really well in a while. This morning, I woke up and I could still feel that same "cloud" hovering over me that followed me around all day yesterday. So, I decided to be proactive instead of reactive. I was going to take the reigns and control and dictate the outcome of my day. I put on my Altra trail-running shoes and I hit the short little trail that snakes between the two neighboring housing developments and ran three loops (just over 2 miles) on the trails while listening to one of the best "free" stories that Audible releases each month called, "The 3-Day Effect: How Nature Calms Your Brain". I haven't quite finished it, but it has three separate groups of people encountering three consecutive days in nature to see how it affects them mentally and physiologically. The first group were a group of military and war veterans that went on a river rafting trip down the Green River in Colorado. It discussed how a former Army veteran gained their trust and helped them accept the trek down the river. This particular story was really good and it demonstrated how being outside in nature was very therapeutic for them. The second story that it covered was a group of women that have a personal history of drug use, sexual abuse, prostitution, homelessness, etc. They were taken into the Indian Peaks Wilderness in Colorado. Their story was a lot more emotional and eye-opening. They weren't able to fully take on the same adventure as the military vets in the first story, but it explained how women, in their particular situation, disassociate themselves from their physical body in order to survive, so asking them to "survive" two nights and three days in the freezing cold wilderness would yield very little results. They explained that you cannot take women that have constantly been in "survival mode" and try to teach them a life lesson while keeping them in the same mental state that they live in each and every day. The adjustment that was made was to have them experience nature in a state of comfort and complete relaxation. This appeared to have a profound effect on them and I believe it was the right call to make. While listening to this and hearing about them performing a practice called "metaphorical dissociation" by finding a rock, placing some sort of painful situation onto the rock, and throwing it into the pond. This act is a way to take something that has been causing us pain and tossing it away and getting it far away from us as possible. At this point, I just broke down on the trail and cried hard for our son, Kasen. I cried, I pleaded, and I apologized to him over and over. I have never gotten over the fact that maybe there was something that I did that caused everything or that I was in another state on a trip the days before he was born. There's a lot of guilt there. A lot of pain and guilt that I tuck away and that pops up when I least expect it. I understand and accept that this is a burden that I and my family will have to live with for the rest of our lives. We cannot change it and we cannot alter it, but we can use it as a "force" that gets us to treasure our daughter, take nothing in life for granted, and be thankful that we got 10 whole days with our son. 10 days more than some parents that have lost a child that never got the opportunity to experience. I got to hold him, feed him, kiss him, watch him kick his feet like crazy when he heard my voice, and he got to hold my finger. I'm so eternally thankful for that. Nothing that happens from here on out can take that away from me. My son knew me. He knew my voice, recognized my touch, felt my kisses, and he got a story from Daddy each night. Despite how traumatic and hectic October 23rd, 2018 was, I still managed to get him the "baby boy" version of teddy bear from the gift shop that I got for his big sister. That bear was with him each hour, minute, and second of his life. His bear will always be here and serve as a constant reminder for us for what it signified. I still have the teddy bear that my father got me while I was in the hospital after I was born, our daughter still has hers, and we will always have his. Each time I wrap my arms around that bear, all of the memories, feelings, and emotions come rushing back to me. I miss my son so much. The fact that he would be 4 months old right now and remembering how wonderful my daughter was at that age hurts. I wish that I was losing hours of sleep and running on fumes. I wish that I was struggling with finances and having to pay another weekly payment for daycare. I wish that I had to open up and make weekly deposits into another kid's college fund. I wish that my car was dirtier and fuller of toys, snacks, and crumbs. I just miss my son dearly. Despite how horrible and miserable losing him was, I will forever be thankful and blessed for the 10 days that we got to spend together. That is something that nobody could ever take away and I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Pre-Surgery Post

It's 6:30am in the morning on Thursday May 30, 2019. One day before I have surgery to have my wisdom teeth extracted and one month before one of the biggest days of my life, my wedding. Frankly, each one of them makes me nervous. Tomorrow's surgery makes me nervous because I haven't had surgery of any kind since my reconstructive knee surgery back in July of 2010. The wedding, well, I'm nervous for that because I love Chrissy so much and this day should be absolutely perfect and special for her. She deserves it. I'm nervous because I want everything to go as planned and for her and I to tie the knot and enjoy our time together up in Mount Rainier National Park for the few days after for our short and partial honeymoon. There will be a much more heroic honeymoon later, believe me. Tomorrow's surgery has me anxious because I don't know what to expect, I've heard that the surgery is rather forceful and extremely painful, and the side-effects that were explained to me (numbness on my lower jaw, nasal sinus trauma from upper wisdom teeth, swelling, the poor clotting in the "holes" left by the extracted teeth, etc.) have me seriously considering my odds. I don't gamble, so I'm not sure how my luck will play out in the end. I will be taking tomorrow off from work and using Saturday and Sunday as "rest days" as I don't have anything urgent to address or take care of. I'll just need to sit upright, read, relax, and heal up, so that I can return to Monday ready to roll. I don't have to present new-hire orientation on Monday, so tomorrow was the best option available. Sure, I could have scheduled this for next Thursday or something, but I would miss two days of work instead of one, I would have to run in the Sound to Narrows 12k two days after surgery, the lawn would have to be mowed, and I would have to speak the following Monday. So, as you can see, there was too much going on next weekend and this weekend just made too much sense. I'm worried about the IV anesthesia that will be used to put me under. I've never had the IV option before. My knee surgery in July of 2010 was gas, so this is another "first" for me. I also worry about how I will heal being that I'm older than the recommended or suggested age of wisdom tooth removal (age 38) and I'm not as young as I used to be, obviously. I just hope that everything goes smoothly and I don't become too much of a burden on Chrissy over the next few days. My next post will be post-surgical. See you then!

Memorial Day 2019

For the last seven years, I have been making it a habit to drive out to Tahoma National Cemetery to visit my Grandparents every Memorial Day and Veteran's Day. The cemetery is located in Covington, WA just off of Highway 18 on a stretch of highway between Auburn and I-90. My wife and I have been visiting them twice a year since Veteran's Day in 2014. Today will be our 5th year of doing it. Every Memorial Day, the Tahoma National Cemetery has Boy Scouts, VFWs, local schools, etc. that volunteer to clean up the headstones, plant flowers, and put an American flag next to each burial site. Just visiting the cemetery is an amazing experience for anyone visiting friends, family, or just showing their respect for those that served in the military. What started off as a simple bi-annual visit to my Grandparents has become time-honored tradition in my family. Each time that we've visited, it has been an opportunity to catch up with my Grandparents. In the past few years, it has been a chance to catch up with them and tell them that someone I loved has passed on. This year, we will go out there and catch up with my Grandparents and tell them how much we miss them, my Mom, and our son, Kasen Everest Cornwall. It has been a fairly difficult last few months since he passed away and there are days where I just miss him so very much. As I type this latest blog entry, we are about to start getting the day started. We will be leaving here in a little bit, drive up to the cemetery, grab some Starbucks on the way, show our respects, and drive down to my brother's place to see his new puppy. I don't think that either of my brothers will be able to make it up with us this Memorial Day and that's fine. It's something that I have made a tradition and anyone that wishes to join us are more than welcome. I hope that all of you enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Remember why we celebrate Memorial Day and remember to honor those that fought and died for this wonderful country of ours.

"Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl

Despite being a book that I would have typically read by this point in my life, it was a book that I'm extremely proud of reading and one that I gathered a lot of wisdom from and experienced an exceptional amount of self-growth. The quotes that stood out to me were: 1) And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom," 2) "Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it," and, 3) "Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him." The descriptions of the concentration camps were graphic and horrific; however, they were very much necessary to understand what Dr. Frankl experienced and how those events helped shape his view of human beings and of the world. His personal experiences also make any situation that any of us may be encountering seem minuscule and much easier to look at once one has read "Man's Search for Meaning". The book is a little outdated, but it definitely provides a look into the soul of a man that should, under normal circumstances, be devoid of a soul and has made the conscious decision to give up on life. He chose not to and, instead, used his experiences to explain that we all will suffer and endure difficulties in life, but to find meaning in our own lives because, "It is we ourselves who must answer the questions that life asks of us, and to these questions we can respond only by being responsible for our existence." Dr. Frankl sums up the meaning of life perfectly and succinctly by saying, "The meaning of your life is to help others find the meaning of theirs." This quote struck my personally because, despite what others may see as their own extrinsic or intrinsic source of motivation, mine comes from seeing others get over difficulties in life to see what hard work and determination can bring everyone. This is where I find purpose and where I find my reasoning to continue doing what I do in my life and in my profession. This is a wonderful book despite being dark and devoid of hope at times, but should be a book people should read whenever they feel that life is dealing them a difficult hand or when life has been relentless in the pain that it has dealt that particular individual. Upon completing of this book (and after allowing time for self-reflection), the reader should feel that they have more control over their life and decisions than previously thought. This alone should alter their mindset and should have them begin looking at their current predicament in a completely different light.

Getting Older

As I'm writing this blog entry, it has been almost 6 years since my last post and a lot has happened in my life (amazing and heartbreaking). However, I'm going to talk about how difficult getting older has been for me, especially the past year or so. The most heartbreaking moment of my entire life happened in October of 2017 when my mother passed away. Well, it WAS the most heartbreaking moment until our son passed away in November of 2018. That moment there was and has been the toughest moment of my entire life...hands down. I think about him all of the time. Each morning I wake up and I kiss my bracelet containing his ashes and I follow that up by kissing my ring containing my mother's ashes. That one year stretch has been the most difficult. I know that it could be much worse, but I've managed to have an amazing partner during the ordeal, my wonderful wife. She has been my strongest supporter and has shown me over and over why she is my wife. Aside from all of the emotional happenings, one of the toughest battles I've had to take on recently has been my health. For those of you that know me, I work out almost daily. In 2016 I ran a 5k about 3-5 times a week, I ate healthy, I got a decent amount of sleep each night (5-7 hours) and was doing great at my job. I also ran my first half-marathon (Eugene Half-Marathon in 2018). I only realize this now (because of how much I've aged in the past 2 years), but that was probably the best I have ever been physically. I was down to 195 lbs (down from 240 back in 2011) and I was running with my shirt off (something I never thought I would do and/or be comfortable with). Today, I've been diagnosed with "prepatellar bursitis" which is an inflammation of the bursa sac behind my kneecap. The inflammation is almost ongoing and caused my knee to swell up to the point where bending it is struggle. The toughest things to do when this flares up is getting into my car, using the restroom (sitting down), walking, and simply getting out of bed each morning. I received a cortisone injection a few months ago and things were really good for about 2 months until it eventually wore off. After the injection, I was able to do squats, crawl on my knees to play with my daughter, and run without any issues. However, it has recently returned and I fear that I may have to start coming up with my own solutions to accept this issue that I will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life. The hardest part is that it makes moving around and simply walking extremely painful. I have been very active since 2011 and I always felt great after I worked out. Now, I feel that I may have to make some adjustments in my life to maintain a physical and healthy lifestyle. I recently ran 3.5 miles on our treadmill the other day (first time since our son passed away) and I was worried that it would flare up again. So, to hopefully avoid this, I elevated my left leg and iced my knee for two 20-minute sessions. It has been two days and I think that it may have worked or, at least, lessened the inflammation that I have become accustomed to. Here are some of the positive changes that I've made in my life in the last couple of years: - completely cut out energy drinks and soda (less than 5 sodas a year; mainly at sporting events, concerts, and at In-N-Out Burger) - eating very little red meat (mainly on holidays, on vacation, etc.) - substituting vodka for beer for calories (I drink about once a week) - meal-prepping each week (one starch/vegetable and one meat) - walking more and running less - increasing my hiking and trail-running Here are some of the other painful issues that I have been dealing with recently: - prepatellar bursitis - abdominal strain (very painful and limits what I can do; sneezing and coughing are EXTREMELY painful; comes on after I run; I believe the main cause may be my running form; adjustments have been made to prevent this from happening again) - gout flareups (I've had these about 5-7 times in my past and it has always been in my right great toe); however, recently, it was in the top of my right foot primarily in the ankle joint; I had to walk with my foot in extreme supination; this caused left leg pain and bilateral hip issues) Here are some of the changes that I have been making to lessen the physical abuse that I have been putting myself through since 2011: - reduce the amount of running I do on hard surfaces (concrete, sidewalks, roads, etc.) - began looking into purchasing an elliptical and a row machine - began trail running (it's a lot more dangerous, but the soft dirt is easier on my knees and running down trails is much better for the knees than hiking because your legs are semi-bent instead of landing directly on each leg) - began working on my upper body by doing, at least, 500 pushups each day - began walking twice a day (1.07 miles each time) by walking around the Muckleshoot pow-wow grounds and back to my office The most difficult thing to deal with is that I have relied on my ability to be physically active as a means to feel good and be happy. When I work out and expel massive amounts of energy, I feel great. I wake up motivated, I sleep better, and I make less poor choices (food-wise) because I'm not feeling down because I cannot work out. When I'm physically unable to workout, I make poor dietary choices, I struggle to fall asleep, I stay up later because I'm not as tired, I'm less focused at work, and I just feel as though I'm in a major funk. Now that I'm on the verge of turning 38, I need to find healthy alternatives in order to prevent further destruction to my body. I will need to stick to a healthier diet (large amounts of vegetables, little to no red meat, lots of chicken/ground turkey, and white meat fish), drinking more water, creating, establishing, and maintaining a low-impact workout plan, meal-prepping each week with my wife, and taking all necessary precautions to reduce side-effects from working out. We cannot avoid aging and getting older; however, there are many things we can do to slow down the aging process and feel healthier in our middle-to-later years. Rehabilitating and taking care of myself after a workout has been my most recent adjustment. From this day forward, I will do what I can to take care of the body that I have and try to keep it healthy for years to come, so that I can be active and healthy with my children and wife. I owe them that much.