What is it about a woman that brings a man back down to Earth?
How can a woman be everything to one person?
Those who criticize other men have never felt this,
They have never become vulnerable and fully opened up,
They laugh at other men for being happy,
They walk around without a care in the world,
They think that they know it all and that they're always in control,
Yet they long for a woman's touch and the warmth of her lips,
They miss it because they, too, once had what other men now have,
They realize the wrongs they did, but blame others for their faults,
They cringe at public displays of affection, yet wish that it was them,
Who holds hands? Not a real man, but a weaker one,
When was the last time your hand held the hand of a woman?
Why is your heart so cold? Why do you barricade others out?
Have you created this world or are you truly a victim?
There are no victims in the game of love,
Love has global compatibility, all who breathe can experience it,
I breathe, yet find myself unable to open up to become vulnerable,
Why is that? Have I been hurt in the past? Do I fear getting hurt again?
I'll tell you what I miss about a woman,
I miss lying in bed on a rainy Saturday talking the day away,
I miss the smile on the other side of the bed every morning,
I miss the hearing the phrase, "I love you",
I miss knowing so much about someone and returning the favor,
I miss eating ice cream after a walk in the park on a warm summer day,
I miss sitting on a blanket on the beach discussing the meaning of life,
I miss having someone to challenge me and make me question my own beliefs,
I miss having someone else tell me that I have bad breath in the morning,
I miss telling someone else that they have bad morning breath too, but that it doesn't matter,
I miss deep, passionate kisses that seem to leave a lasting impact,
That's for sure because I'm still feeling the effects of them,
I miss not being alone and knowing that someone is always close,
I miss having someone in bed to discuss my dreams and to tell me her dreams as well,
I miss first kisses, camping trips, and ventures into the unknown,
I miss deep, penetrating eyes that can level me,
I miss the taste of a woman, the smell she leaves after taking a shower,
I miss her bad cooking and her criticizing my terrible cooking as well,
I miss growing closer to someone and allowing them access into your soul,
However, I miss one thing more than anything else,
I miss who I used to be when I was with her,
I miss the times I would kiss her hand, her forehead, and her soft, subtle lips,
I miss the times that I would make her feel as if she was the only woman in the world,
I miss making her smile, especially when she was having a bad day,
I miss asking her questions that would lead to eventual discussions,
I miss making her oatmeal on a cold, winter day,
I miss making love to her and the goofiness that follows such a session,
I miss washing her clothes and smelling her perfume,
I miss buying her things other than flowers because I tried to be original,
I miss forgetting a Valentine's Day and having to apologize for it,
I miss arguing with her and having to apologize for it later,
I miss caressing her face and I miss her underwear that I despised,
I miss her getting upset at me for forgetting something,
I miss her sleeping in the car because I miscalculated the travel time,
I miss her trying to keep me awake on the road after a concert at the Gorge,
I miss her negatives and all of the things that I swore I would never miss,
Why is that, you may ask?
It's because I miss her.
I miss everything that she was, is, and ever will be,
I miss the things that I loved about her and the things that I hated about her.
I miss double dates and walks along the waterfront.
I miss the things that only she could give me.
She was special and I didn't realize that until now.
I'm living the life that I made for myself and I'm the only one to blame.
I may walk around laughing at guys in jewelry stores, but the bottom line is...
I wish that it was me.
I wish I had someone that I loved that much.
I wish I loved someone more than 3 months pay.
I wish I had someone to hold and to protect.
I wish I knew how to fix it all.
I wish I could have it all back.
I wish I knew and understood that that isn't possible.
I wish I was who I once was, but no longer am.
I miss how she made me feel.
I miss how her eyes would make me forget about a mistake.
I miss how her morning breath, although bad, made me laugh in the morning.
I'm sorry for who I have become.
I'm sorry for what I have done and how I now act.
You have moved on and I have moved on.
I haven't really, but I act like it.
You were wonderful and remain that way today.
I missed out and pushed you beyond the point of return.
I want you to find happiness because you deserve that much.
I deserve what I have brought upon myself.
I deserve writing poems like this at one o'clock in the morning.
I deserve missing what we once had.
I deserve the emptiness within my soul that you once filled.
I deserve everything that an insecure man has.
I am an insecure man.
However, I can say this with honesty and conviction.
I truly did love you more than anything else in the world.
I loved you so much it hurt to see you drive away.
I loved you so much that I had to let you go.
It was for your own good.
We truly, deeply loved each other and nobody can take that away from us.
2 comments:
Matt: You have always had a gift for words and this was beautiful, as was your blog about the child. What has happened to you son? If I were a praying person, I would be asking for god or whoever to see you through what I figure is an existential crisis. I understand your need to "find" yourself, to identify where you fit in the world and what you truly believe and hold dear. We do have that in common, son.
At this ripe old age of mine, I have come to believe in the idea of the "seven year rule." I know that in my life, every seven years, I have experienced some growth experience that changes my life completely. It is at those times that I have realized consciously that I am at a crossroads and whichever way I turn will determine the next phase of my life. The road less traveled and all that, you know?
I am more of a virgin to the political passion thing than you, I admit. I tend to be more idealistic, want drastically to believe in the goodness of others and choose to aim my passions towards things that affect real live breathing people, and not an abstract idea. That has more to do with where my life has lead me, what losses I have experienced and the hard work that has come from having made decisions that were perhaps not the best. I am absolutely a product of my life. I have loved and lost, I have been hurt and heartbroken more times than I care to ever admit to and those things shaped me. Life is messy, painful and tremendously lonely sometimes.
On my birthday, I am going to make a wish for you, the person who made me a mother. I wish for you to turn to introspection and try to gain some insight into why some of the changes you have CHOSEN to make in yourself have aliented you from the people who love you the most. I hear Phil and Nikki talk all the time about how their venture to California made them both realize that what matters most is family. Do you feel that way? I wonder sometimes if we/I are more of a nuisance than a gift in your life.
I miss when you and I were closer. I miss the times when we could talk about anything, debate (without vitriol) anything and you didn't respond to everything that comes out of my mouth condescendingy and with apparent disgust. Basically, I miss the Matt that I used to know and I have a feeling I am not alone. I wish you some peace in your life and remembering that love shaped you, love someone back.
I believe, possessing the ability to love another may just be one of our greatest gifts. Love is so complicated and yet so simplistic. It has the power to ignite passion, desire, belonging, security, and growth. However it can also cause a sufferer to get lost in its intoxicating addiction. It is in those moments, when our hearts feel broken and unable to be repaired, that we find ourselves.
Our being, and ours alone, is the only power we can use to truly heal. Don't miss out on the opportunities that come your way. Besides, we can only know how great something is when we have experiences to compare it to.
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