Turning Point

The last few years have easily been the hardest that I have ever endured. To make matters worse, the light at the end of the tunnel (if one does exist) is nowhere in sight. It should go without saying that I have become increasingly frustrated and I find myself questioning a lot of things. I follow politics and international affairs religiously. I use the term religiously because, as I have said earlier, I find the process of belief to be quite inaccurate and the following of any particular religion to be retroactive to the progression of humanity. Now that I've admitted that, let's move on. I voted for President Bush in 2000 and I felt content with myself. I felt as though I contributed to the American political process and fulfilled my responsibility as a citizen. However, as with many Americans, September 11th, 2001 changed my life and how I viewed the political process as a whole. That morning I received a phone call from my Mother who sounded quite irratic and worried.
"Pack your things and go to Canada. We're being attacked."

I thought that my Mother had gone off the deep end and was suffering from paranoia. However, after turning on the television, as she instructed, I realized that her emotional state was justified. I originally thought that the first plane flew off course or had a system malfunction of some sort. However, I started to understand what was happening as soon as the second plane crashed into building. When they announced that it was suspected that Osama Bin Laden was the suspected culprit I felt a sense of anger and confusion sweep over me. I was looking forward to hearing what President Bush had to say and hopefully he would answer some of the many questions that I had boiling within me. His address to the nation only made things worse for me. I wanted answers, I wanted comfort, and I wanted the US to avenge these terrible atrocities. I'm sure you can guess which one of the three things went unfulfilled. The other two answers came over time through the process of reading, doing research, and gaining a sense of understanding. Before all of that, I drove down to the blood bank and got in line to donate. They came out and told us that they had too much blood and that they were unable guarantee that our blood would make any difference whatsoever. It was at that point that I decided to drop out of school and pursue a career in the military. I returned to my car and drove down to the military recruitment office. I went in to the Air Force recruiter office and sat in this amazingly soft, comfortable chair. He went over what they wanted, what they expected, and what they could do for me. I agreed and asked for the forms/contract. He handed them to me and I reviewed them as if my life depended on it. I read the forms and noticed stipulations and certain things that I didn't agree with. I kept asking him questions and he couldn't give me a straight answer. Upon reading all of the forms, I handed them back to him and told him that my decision to quit school and join the military were merely done out of an acute emotional response and that I would, most likely, regret both decisions down the road. He told me that he understood, shook my hand, and told me that I could return if I changed my mind. Reflecting on that day I only regret one thing, dropping out of school. I feel as though my decision to not join the military was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. It wasn't as risky as joining the Marines or the infantry, but it would have been the end of my autonomy and possibly my thirst for knowledge. While working the night shift at Tacoma General Hospital I worked with an older guy named James who was a devout Christian. We initially found that we had a lot of things in common like sports, love of music, and beer. He convinced me to join him in attending a sermon at Lake City Church in Lakewood. I felt lost and that I needed faith in Christ. After attending a few sermons and purchasing a NIV Bible from Costco I felt that it was time to take this to the next step. While working alone during one of my 10pm-6am shifts I got to my knees and accepted Christ into my heart, mind, and soul. I cried and lifting my arms into the air begging for forgiveness for all of my sins. I felt a sense of comfort coursing through my body like that of a first kiss. Although the path wasn't easy, I continued on it for the next two years of my life. I remember being at odds with what Pastor Jim would be saying and what others around me would tell me. I didn't want to give up my music, my eye for the opposite sex, and I didn't feel comfortable talking about the Bible to other people (both non-believers and those whom were "saved"). It was at this point, roughly 1.5 years, that I started to really question what I thought I believed and if it was the best thing for me. To be honest with you, the only thing that kept me going was the guilt that I would feel when I heard someone swear or the indifference that I felt being around other Christians. I never felt as though I was a part of something meaningful. Each Sunday, I felt like a Red Sox fan walking into Yankee Stadium. It was alien to me and I felt like my presence gave the church an allergic reaction. I felt as if I had lost something inside of me that I first noticed in high school.
In high school, we had to read the newspaper and give our opinions about current events. I remember how much I loved reading the articles and how easily I could construct an argument and express that to other people in my class. I always got reactions from the class whenever I would go up to share my reactions to certain articles. I loved the attention and I felt as if I was helping other people learn something. It was at this point that I felt like a contributing factor within society. It wasn't until I gave my life to Christ that I realized how much missed this aspect of my life. I felt certain feelings after reading an article and this is what connected me with what I had just read. I started to notice this with what I was reading in the Bible. I started to develop articulated arguments against what was being said during the sermon and what was in the Bible. I'm not sure about other people, but the Bible never gave me answers. It never justified a life devoted to Christ or anything like that. I questioned my own personal beliefs and others around me. I remember what people told me as to their own personal relationship with God and I realized that I never had these experiences. In fact, the only thing that I heard was the little voice in my head better known as my conscience. I asked God hundreds of thousands of questions and I received no answers. Instead, I heard my conscience telling me what to do and what to believe. It was at this moment that I fell out of being a Christian and associating myself with other Christians. I would run into members of the church and youth group from time to time and I would always have feel a negative vibe coming out of them. I also got another job and I never saw much of James from that point on. Okay, I have a story about James that really creeped me out.
When I first met him we talked about females (ones that I was dating and those that he was interested in). He always spoke about this one particular young lady that he had been interested in for quite some time. He told me that he would ask God what to do and how to handle the situation. I told him to just ask her out and see where things go. He told me that he would like to, but God wanted him to do otherwise. First off, both he and this young lady had been friends for a number of years so there was no need to introduce himself. One day he comes in to work looking as though he hadn't felt a pillow on his head in days. He told me how he went for a walk with her. Towards the end of the walk they both sat down on a park bench and talked. He then got up and dropped to one knee and proposed to her. I never thought that a stunt like that would actually work and not to my amazement, it didn't. She looked embarrassed and told him that God was telling her that they would only be friends and that was all. He really took it really hard, but I had no idea where he would go from there. I told him that I was sorry and asked him if they were still friends. He said that they still hung out, but that it was awkward at times. Okay, that makes perfect sense. They would continue to hang out for almost 4 or 5 months until she decided to attend a school in eastern Washington. I told James to move on and look at other women. James disagreed and insisted that God told him that he was supposed to be with her and that it only took time. I ran into her at Borders one day and I asked her how things were. She told me that James was acting really weird and that he claimed that God told him that she would eventually marry James. She told me that God had told her that they were friends and nothing more than that. She also told me that she was moving to eastern Washington in a week and told me to try to talk James. That night I told James that I ran into her at Borders and his ears perked like a dog hearing a whistle. I told him what she had told me. He said that he was going to move to eastern Washington as well and keep a close eye on her. In doing so he was going to try to convince her that they were supposed to be together and that this was God's plan. James then left work and I would later run into him a few months later.
I ran into a few guys from youth group at the Best Buy at the Tacoma Mall. They told me that she was freaking out because James wasn't getting the picture and that he was getting "creepy" and "unpredictable". I told them that I wasn't going to return to that particular church and wished them the best. I ran into James for the last time about 4 months after that and he was creepier than I had ever imagined him. He was still talking about how often God told him that he would end up marrying this young lady and to maintain his persistence. I told James that I disagreed with his course of action and that what he thought God was saying was merely his inner id. I never had any further run-ins with anyone from that church. I hope that James got the message and that she filed a restraining order against him.
This is one of the major problems that I have with faith. Most people in his particular case would move on and continue with their life. James, however, never strayed off his path and continued past the point of sanity. James' situation is one of the scariest situations I have ever heard. How can you argue with someone who claims to hear God telling them to do something? I felt bad for her the entire time and I hope that James eventually woke up and got the message.
I have also asked Christians how they talk to God. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that they ask God for guidance and they receive answers...eventually. They have told me that they run across their answers while flipping through the Bible. Sometimes this takes place months even years after asking God the initial question. Isn't this just coincidence? I can pick up Huckleberry Finn and ask God to tell me how it ends. I'll eventually end up reading the entire book and finding out the answer for myself. Was this God giving me the answer? No. The answer was there the entire time and I discovered the answer because of my persistence and dedication towards finishing the book. My Aunt showed me a picture of car that drove off of the road and landed on the edge of a cliff. The second picture showed what could have happened and how terrible it could have been. My Aunt told me that this was proof that miracles happen and that angels look after us. I asked her if she thought that speed of the car, the angle in which it flew, the weight of the car, and the point of the road in which the driver drove off the road had anything to do with it. She said, "What, do you not believe in miracles? What about angels?" Here's my point: what happened to the other 100 people who drove off of that road only to land at the bottom of the cliff and die on impact? Isn't just by chance that this one particular driver survived? Why do we only hear good stories and not those in the Old Testament?
My belief that there is no God and that Jesus was merely a regular person (if at all) began after my Grandpa John passed away. I spent numerous nights asking him to show and give me a sign that he was okay, that there was, in fact, a God, a Heaven, a Hell. I talked, I prayed, and I cried myself to sleep for months after that. What do you think came of that? Absolutely nothing. I never see signs of an omnipotent being or that any religion is truthful. When my Grandma Terry passed away (a week ago this past Sunday) I asked for some sort of sign that they were both okay and that God was taking care of them. Do you know what happened? Nothing. Nothing at all.
So, here I am. I'm on the verge of my senior year in college, I don't know if I want to go to graduate school or not, I'm single, and I'm afraid that my lack of religious faith will be held against me. I had such a hard time writing my Grandma's obituary because I knew that both Grandpa and her mother would not be waiting for her in Heaven. Her life ended, plain and simple. I miss my Grandma Terry and I miss my Grandpas John and Calvin. I know that they are not watching over me and that my life is in my own hands. "God's plan" doesn't exist and my life is my own. Believing in God won't make decisions easier, it won't protect me while walking home at night, and it certainly won't help me comfort those that I love. However, not believing in God can alienate me from my family, prevent me from getting a decent job, prevent a relationship from progressing and/or cause conflict within a relationship, and damage a relationship with a friend. Being atheist is like being a homosexual. We're afraid of what others will think of us and the consequences of coming out and telling other people. Remember reading about the Crusades? Ever read what Fundamental Islamists believe? How about the Mormon church in Texas called YFZ Ranch? Those occurences only strengthen my beliefs that there is no God and that every other religion is merely an illusion.